If you’ve spent more than five minutes on social media, you’ve probably seen the gentle parenting debate from time to time.
One side insists today’s kids have no respect because parents are too soft. The other side argues that fear and punishment should have been left in the last generation. Then there are those of us in the middle of all that wondering if we’re all just trying to raise decent humans while hoping we’re not screwing them up too badly.
I recently listened to a podcast where Dr. Daniel Amen talked about parenting in a way that really resonated with me. He summed it up simply: be kind and firm.
Not kind or firm, kind and firm.
That distinction matters.
I think that’s why this whole gentle parenting debate interests me so much. Because I think, in many ways, I was practicing gentle parenting before there was even a name for it.
I didn’t have a parenting philosophy written down. I wasn’t following a specific method. I was just trying to raise my kids the best way I knew how—with respect, compassion, and boundaries.
Over the years, I’ve been called everything from a helicopter mom to being told my kids needed “a good slap on the ass.” Neither extreme ever felt right to me.
I didn’t believe children needed to be controlled through fear, but I also didn’t believe love meant letting them do whatever they wanted.
I believed there had to be a middle ground.
Maybe that’s what people sometimes miss about gentle parenting. It’s not about removing boundaries. It’s about how we hold those boundaries.When I look back at my own parenting, I can honestly say there were plenty of days I had no idea what I was doing. Like most parents, I was winging a lot of it. There wasn’t a manual, and every child came with a completely different personality.
Would I do some things differently now? Absolutely.
One thing I feel good about is that, most of the time, I was kind; I was not perfect. I was not endlessly patient and I wasn’t always calm, but I can honestly say that kindness was always at the center of my parenting and if you asked my kids today, I think they’d tell you the same thing.
One memory always comes to mind when I hear people confuse gentle parenting with letting kids do whatever they want.
When my daughter was in high school, she told me she was going to a party one weekend. It happened to be at a house that had a pretty well-earned reputation. Drug use wasn’t exactly a secret there, and I knew enough to realize this wasn’t just another Friday night gathering.
So I told her, as calmly as I could, “I’m sorry, but you’re not going.”
She was furious.
She disappeared to her room, slammed the door, and didn’t speak to me for a couple of hours. I remember feeling guilty because no parent enjoys disappointing their child or being the reason they’re upset.
Eventually, she came upstairs in her pajamas, grabbed a spot on the couch, and spent the rest of her Friday night sulking beside me in complete silence.
Was she happy with me? Not even a little.
Did I feel bad? Of course I did.
Did I change my mind? Nope.
Because in that moment, my job wasn’t to make her happy. My job was to keep her safe.
Now, before anyone imagines I never let my kids have any fun, that’s not the case at all. There were plenty of parties they were allowed to go to. This wasn’t about saying no for the sake of saying no.
This was about knowing the difference between reasonable independence and unnecessary risk.
Looking back, I think that’s exactly what Dr. Amen meant by being kind and firm. I didn’t yell. I didn’t shame her. I listened to how angry she was, but I still held the boundary.
Sometimes love looks less like saying yes and more like being willing to be the parent your child is temporarily mad at.
What I’ve noticed is that people often confuse gentle parenting with permissive parenting, and they’re not the same thing at all.
Gentle parenting doesn’t mean your child never hears the word “no.”
It doesn’t mean there are no consequences.
It doesn’t mean you negotiate every rule or let your child run the household.
It means you treat your child like a human being worthy of respect, even while holding boundaries.
You can absolutely say, “I know you’re upset, but the answer is still no.”
You can acknowledge feelings without changing the expectation.
That’s what being kind and firm looks like to me.
As parents, we’re responsible for teaching our kids how to function in the real world. That means they need to learn responsibility, respect, accountability, and resilience. None of those lessons require humiliation, fear, or shame.
They do require consistency.
Looking back, I know I didn’t always get it right. I lost my patience sometimes. I raised my voice more than I wish I had. There were moments I’d love to redo.
But I also hugged a lot.
I apologized when I was wrong.
I listened.
I laughed with them.
I tried to make sure they always knew they were loved, even when I was correcting their behaviour.
Maybe that’s the part of gentle parenting we don’t talk about enough.
It’s not about making childhood easier.
It’s about making the relationship stronger.
Because someday your children become adults, and when they do, they won’t remember every consequence you handed out.
They’ll remember how safe they felt coming to you.
And if I had to choose one thing I hope I got right, it would be that.
The Other Side of Nice 
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