The Other Side of Nice

My stepdaughter turns 30 this year, and honestly—she’s got her shit together, far more than I ever did at that age. If you tell her that, she’ll quietly laugh and shy away from the compliment, but I can see it in her: the confidence, the clarity, the steady way she walks through life – and I’m so proud of her for that.

The good news is, I think we’re raising more self-aware adults these days—people who are unafraid to speak up about what they need, who understand boundaries, and who know how to advocate for themselves which is such an endearing quality.

I said what I said.

Many will disagree with that and honestly, I’ve been in conversations where sometimes I’ve said myself, what does the future look like for some of these kids who can’t do things for themselves? However, my own children are leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at their age on self awareness and advocacy and watching them grow and navigate life has made me reflect deeply on who I was at 30.

At 30, I thought I should have it all figured out, I didn’t though, I was already divorced, and in a fairly new relationship where we were raising two kids from previous marriages and on the road to starting over with our own daughter on the way. 

I thought being a “real adult” meant I had to have all the answers—about relationships, career, finances, motherhood, all of it. I chased the version of success I thought I was supposed to want, even if it didn’t quite fit. I ignored red flags in people and in myself, confusing being needed with being loved.

I didn’t know back then that peace was more important than being right. I didn’t understand that setting boundaries wasn’t selfish—it was actually a way of being honest with myself and with others. I didn’t yet see that saying “no” could be an act of self-respect, not rebellion or guilt. I was trying so hard to be everything to everyone, I didn’t know it yet, but I was in the middle of learning some of life’s most humbling, heartbreaking, and healing lessons.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what I would say to that younger version of myself—what I wish I had known, what I wish someone had told me. Maybe it’s not just advice for my past self, but also for anyone out there navigating adulthood, including my own kids. Just a few gentle reminders for the road ahead.

 If I could sit down with my 30-year-old self, I wouldn’t criticize her. I wouldn’t try to change her or rush her growth. But I would take her hand, look her in the eye, and tell her a few things I’ve learned the hard way since then.

So here goes, in not such a formal fashion:

Dear 30-year-old,

You’re not behind, even if it feels like everyone around you is so much further ahead, you have time, you’ll catch up, I promise. That version of “together” you’re measuring yourself against doesn’t exist. And guess what? Even a few steps backward can matter. You’re learning and you’re trying everyday, and that counts for more than you think.

You don’t have to earn peoples love by over giving.  It’s as simple as that.  Stop trying to prove how much you love someone by how much you pour out.  You’re allowed to rest, to receive, and to say no.  Anyone who truly loves you won’t only love you when you are useful. 

Remember your boundaries; they aren’t mean, they are necessary.  Some people think they have a right to your life.  They don’t.  You are allowed to set limits and choose to love yourself. 

You can reinvent yourself; it’s not limited to a certain age or stage in your life.  You are going to outgrow relationships, expectations and versions of yourself.  That’s ok!  It’s not failure; it’s growth.  Sometimes it will be painful, but it’s also freeing.  You’re allowed to change your mind.  What you wanted at 25 can look a lot different than what you want at 35, 45, and beyond.  You don’t have to follow a certain path just because it’s familiar.  Chase your goals, be brave.

Trust your gut.  Even if you can’t explain it at the time, just know that your intuition always knows. 

YOU. DO. NOT. HAVE. TO. DO. IT. ALL.  You don’t have to be the perfect Mom, friend, daughter, partner, etc.  You’ll stretch yourself too thin.  Let yourself be human.

No one is going to hand you the life you want. You build it slowly, moment by moment, with brave choices and quiet acts of self-respect.

Oh, and one last thing.  Your body is going to change with each passing year, and that’s ok.  Your worth is not determined by weight gain, wrinkles, grey hairs.  Accept that your body is not going to look the same as it did in your 20’s.  Be gentle with yourself, you’ve carried a lot. 

So, if you’re 30, or somewhere near it—or honestly, any age—and you’re feeling like you’re behind or broken or not enough, this is your reminder: you’re exactly where you’re meant to be. Keep going and trust that you’re becoming someone your younger self would be proud of.

📢If you could tell your younger self one thing, what would it be? Drop it in the comments – I’d love to hear your wisdom ❤️