The Other Side of Nice

What if the ‘love’ you thought you were giving was actually the slow erosion of yourself?

Good people put others first, right? 

 I know, I sound like a broken record here, but honestly, that’s what I thought for many years.  I thought that if you loved and cared about someone, you sacrificed yourself and that being needed meant the same as being valued.  Overtime, I realized that what I called love and loyalty was indeed codependency. 

From the moment my therapist said the word codependent, I cringed—probably because I didn’t think it applied to me. I wasn’t in a relationship with an addict. I wasn’t enabling anyone’s destructive behavior. I was just helping, supporting, showing up. Wasn’t I?

But the more I sat with it, the more I began to look closely at my patterns and relationships—past and present. My therapist recommended a book on codependency, and once I opened that door, I couldn’t close it. I started devouring podcasts – (shout out to Mel Robbins!), reading article after article, searching endlessly for insight and understanding.

The truth? I had hit emotional burnout.

I didn’t fully realize it until my first reiki session. The Reiki master told me I was one of the most energetically drained people she had ever encountered. I laughed—until I realized she was right. I was carrying the weight of everyone else’s problems, opinions, and expectations. And it was slowly breaking me down.

If you’re constantly tired, walking on eggshells in your relationships, unsure of where you stand or what you even want.  You might be codependent and not even know it.

Let’s talk about the quiet, subtle signs of codependency that so many of us miss—until it starts costing us our peace, identity, and well-being.

Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions:

I believed it was my job to keep everyone happy. If someone was upset, I rushed to fix it—often before they even asked. If there was tension in the room, I carried it like it was mine.

I didn’t realize that taking responsibility for others’ feelings is a hallmark of codependency.

As my therapist explained, codependency often begins in childhood—especially if you grew up in a home where peace depended on your behavior. You learn to over function emotionally and unfortunately, I passed some of that on to my kids.

We’re all slowly learning a new truth now; someone else’s emotions are not your emergency and you are allowed to care without carrying it.

Saying “yes” when you mean “no”

This one hits like a ton of bricks.

If I had a dime for every time I agreed to things I didn’t want to do, showed up when I didn’t want to, or gave when I had nothing left—just to avoid conflict—I’d be rich.

Codependency makes it hard to set boundaries and it shows up in ways where we fear that saying no will make us unlovable, selfish, or rejected.  Truthfully, you’re allowed to say no to things that don’t serve you, to people who drain you and to anything that doesn’t feel right in your gut.

If you keep saying yes, you eventually begin to resent the people around you and let me tell you, resentment is a heavy burden to carry.

I read a saying once that stuck with me: “If you are a giver, remember to set limits because takers don’t have any”

Learning to say no has been my biggest hurdle—and if I’m honest, I still struggle. It took me more years than I care to admit to realize that I needed to stand up for what I wanted, but every time I choose myself, it gets a little easier.

Defining your worth by being needed

Being needed—especially by my kids—made me feel important. It gave me a sense of purpose. But deep down, I started wondering “Who am I if I’m not fixing something for someone else?“

Caretaking can make you lose sight of your own needs and desires. Codependency teaches us that our value comes from being useful to others, but that’s a lie.

Your worth is not dependent on holding everything together.

Avoiding Conflict at All Costs

I used to think avoiding conflict made me mature—emotionally evolved, even.

In truth, I’ve always been terrified of confrontation. I’d shrink myself, stuff down my feelings, and agree with things just to keep the peace. Doing this did not help me evolve into who I am today.  I’m not saying that I walk around looking for conflicts and chaos, but when I’m faced with it now, I remember that avoiding conflict doesn’t create peace. It creates silence.

I’m learning to prioritize harmony over honesty, because before this, if I just chose to stay quiet about something I didn’t agree with, it left me full of resentment—toward others and myself.

It is okay to have hard conversations. I still work through the fear of this every time I’m faced with it, but I know now: real connection can’t happen without truth.

Struggling to know what you want or need

Have you ever been asked:

“How are you feeling?”
“What do you need?”

I used to draw a blank whenever someone asked those questions. I had spent so much time tuned into everyone else’s needs that I completely lost touch with my own.

Now? I’m proud to say that I honor my own desires and limits. I no longer sit at tables where I don’t belong. I no longer say yes to activities that don’t light me up and I’ve stopped dancing to the beat of everyone else’s drum—and I do it without apology.

If any of this sounds familiar, I want you to know that awareness is a powerful first step.

You are not alone in this journey. You don’t have to keep living on autopilot like I did for so many years. Healing from codependency isn’t about becoming less kind—it’s about learning to extend that kindness to yourself, too.

You deserve peace that doesn’t come at the cost of your identity, you deserve rest, and you deserve to be whole.

Are you learning to say no and expressing your feelings directly and respectfully? Let’s chat in the comments!