“No” has lived at the bottom of my vocabulary for most of my life. I buried beneath politeness, people-pleasing, and a deeply rooted fear of disappointing others.
On the rare occasion that I mustered up the courage to say no to something, I would drown in guilt for days afterward.
The kind, helpful and supportive person that I thought I was being became a doormat to those around me.
Somewhere in all of that, all of my yeses became a quiet betrayal of myself.
I wasn’t overwhelmed because I was busy. I was overwhelmed because I had no boundaries. I said yes to favors I didn’t have time for, yes to people’s emotions I couldn’t carry, yes to social plans I didn’t want to attend. I confused my empathy with people-pleasing and my behavior focused on seeking external validation and avoiding conflict by prioritizing the needs of others. I’m so glad I’ve moved on from this today.
Even when I said yes with a smile, I could feel the resentment in my gut, and something in my head saying, “This isn’t right for you.” But still, I said yes because saying no felt mean and selfish like I was letting someone down.
Sound familiar?
Where the Guilt Comes From
Guilt is a tricky emotion — especially for people who were taught to equate saying no with being difficult or ungrateful.
In my case, guilt was tied to the codependent relationships that I involved myself in. I’d often hear myself saying:
“If I say no, they’ll be upset.”
“If I say no, I’ll lose the relationship.”
“If I say no, I’m a bad person.”
But none of that was true. What was true was me saying yes to avoid discomfort — not out of true alignment or desire.
What Changed Everything for Me
My therapist asked me a simple question:
“What would it look like to set some boundaries and say no? Do you think you would still be a good person?”
That question stopped me cold. Because I had never separated the two.
She continued with “You should not be worried about anyone’s reaction to that, if they react negatively, put it back on them.”
So I started practicing. Imperfectly. Clumsily. Awkwardly.
And here’s what I learned:
“No” is a complete sentence. I don’t owe anyone a justification or a lengthy explanation. Boundaries can be kind and firm.
I stopped saying yes in the moment, especially if I was put on the spot.
Now I say, “Let me get back to you.” That pause gives me space to check in with myself, instead of defaulting to guilt.
I tracked how I felt after saying no. This came as advice from my therapist as well. Spoiler alert: I usually felt relieved — not regretful. And the people who respected me, still respected me.
I have started reminding myself that disappointing someone else, doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong. Sometimes growth and working on yourself requires you to disappoint others so that you can stop disappointing yourself.
Saying No Isn’t Selfish — It’s Sacred
I used to think my worth came from how much I gave, how agreeable I was, how low-maintenance I could be.
Now I know: My worth isn’t measured by how much of myself I sacrifice. It’s measured by how true I’m willing to be.
Saying no has created more space in my life — not just for rest, but for me.
No guilt. No regret. Just honesty.
Your Turn
Are you learning to say no, too?
What’s been the hardest part — or the most freeing?
Let’s talk in the comments. We’re in this together.
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One response to “How I Learned to Say No Without Guilt”
I love it!! Great job Lori!! I couldn’t open the blog still… I got a message saying the site is blocked by the company…even though I was using my own data. So I’ll try again when I get home🙂
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