The Other Side of Nice

I’m an avid listener of the Mel Robbins podcast, so when I saw an episode last fall about the 80-year Harvard study on what makes a good life, I was excited to listen.

A couple years back, my youngest had just gone off to college and was taking a sociology course. One night, she told me about an essay she was working on and suggested I watch a TED Talk connected to the same study. I was completely intrigued.

The research followed hundreds of people over their lifetimes and found something surprisingly simple: happiness and long-term health weren’t determined by wealth, career success, or status. They were shaped by the quality of relationships. Feeling supported, loved, and understood mattered more than anything else.

That idea stuck with me.

What I learned from that 20 min TED Talk was that the most important decisions you’ll ever make isn’t about your career, your house, or even your lifestyle—it’s about the people you allow into your life. The friendships you nurture and the relationships you commit to can either build you up or slowly break you down.

Have you ever stopped to notice how you feel after being around certain people? Do you feel lighter, happier, seen, tense, exhausted, invisible? Pay attention to that. If someone shows you selfishness, manipulation, or disrespect early on, believe them. Hoping someone will change often leads to deeper hurt.

For years, I told my kids, “You are who your friends are.” What I didn’t realize until much later is that it’s not just about avoiding “bad” influences. It’s also about how deeply someone else’s mood, energy, and behavior can shape you over time. You can lose pieces of yourself without even noticing, simply by absorbing the atmosphere around you.

The people around you influence your mood, your energy, your choices, and even your sense of self-worth. When you’re surrounded by people who encourage you, respect you, and genuinely want to see you grow—you thrive. When you spend too much time with people who drain you, belittle you, or make everything about themselves, you slowly disappear.

Not long after learning about this study, my daughter began dating someone who stood out immediately. When he asked her to visit his hometown and meet his family and friends, she was understandably nervous. Instead of brushing it off or teasing her, he asked how he could help ease her nerves. It was such a small moment, but it spoke volumes. He displayed patience, kindness, and attentiveness; qualities that are not nearly as common as they should be.

Watching their relationship unfold has been a reminder of how powerful it is to feel seen, supported, and safe with someone.

I can honestly say my two older kids have chosen good people to share their lives with as well. We joke about millennials and how they navigate the world, but one thing I’ve observed consistently is how they reject rigid gender roles. My oldest daughter’s husband shows up fully in their life together. He helps with the kids, cooks meals, and takes care of the house, not as a favor, but because it’s their shared life and shared responsibility. And after being a single parent for a short stint, my son now understands the comfort of a relationship built on mutual support. Together, he and his girlfriend care for their home, navigate the demands of a toddler, and look after one another in the small but meaningful moments at the end of a long day. They also support one another’s goals and challenges. He has committed to not drinking, and she supports that choice fully. In return, he stands beside her as she navigates the emotional weight of being a caregiver.

It matters.

It’s so important to be intentional about who you let close. You can be kind to everyone without giving everyone access to your heart.

A small circle of genuine people is worth infinitely more than a crowd that doesn’t care about your well-being. Life is too short to carry the weight of toxic connections. So remember to protect your peace. The right people will never make you question your worth, your place, or your importance in their lives.

On a different but deeply meaningful note, watching my kids become close friends with one another has brought me incredible comfort. Seeing them choose each other not out of obligation, but genuine connection feels healing. In a world where relationships can be complicated and loyalty isn’t guaranteed, knowing they have each other gives me a sense of peace I can’t quite put into words.

At the end of the day, who you surround yourself with matters just as much as the goals you set and the dreams you chase. Choose people who bring out the best in you and notice how much easier it becomes to be the best version of yourself.