The Other Side of Nice

In a recent post, I spoke about how I slowly started realizing my worth.  

The word boundaries always felt heavy and selfish to me. My belief was simple: if I loved someone, I had to prove it by giving them everything—my time, my energy, my peace. Saying no felt like letting them down and that I was failing.

I learned the hard way: love without boundaries is not love—it’s depletion.

The most important question that my therapist asked me was “what do you need from this?”

It sounds simple, but if you don’t even know what you need, how can you set boundaries or practice self-care? For me, the answer was clear: I needed to walk away from the fake relationships—the ones that left me judged, insecure, and drained.

And yes, there are friendships where months may pass without seeing each other, yet the connection remains wholesome. Those are worth keeping. I now agree with the old saying: it’s better to have four quarters than a hundred pennies.

The first time I said no and meant it, my chest tightened. My inner critic screamed at me. “You’re being mean!”  “You’re letting them down!” “ You should have just said yes!”  But what I noticed on the other side of that “no,” was something I hadn’t felt in a long time –  relief, peace, and a little corner of myself I finally claimed back.

It was never about shutting people out. It was about keeping myself whole. My therapist explained over and over that boundaries are not walls – they are doors, and I finally realized I had the right to decide when and how those doors opened.

Once I understood the world wouldn’t collapse if I didn’t answer the phone right away—or if I told someone “I can’t today” without a long explanation—it was liberating. I had to let people be disappointed without rushing in to fix it.

The world didn’t fall apart…..but my inner world began to heal.

Guilt was not something that disappeared overnight. In fact, sometimes it still creeps in. But I remind myself that guilt is not the same as wrong. I am not wrong for protecting my energy, heart, and peace.  You’re going to find that people will either instantly respect your boundaries, or they may resist them, that’s ok.  You are not responsible for their reaction to your boundaries.  Their opinion is not the gospel.  Our lack of boundaries enabled them for so long to take advantage of us, but the more consistent you are with your boundaries, the more they will begin to see your power.  

The most powerful part? The people around me see it. They see that love doesn’t mean burning yourself out for others. They see that caring for yourself is not selfish—it’s survival. They see that boundaries aren’t cold; they’re courageous.

So, if you’re struggling with guilt around setting boundaries, hear me out: you are allowed to choose yourself. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to stop stretching yourself to the breaking point just to make someone else comfortable.

Your worth does not come from how much of yourself you give away.
Your worth is in you, whole and unshaken.

Boundaries just help protect it.

  What’s one boundary you’ve set recently that helped you reclaim your peace?

  Do you struggle more with saying no to others—or with saying yes to yourself?

  If you could protect one area of your energy starting today, what would it be?

  How do you remind yourself that guilt does not equal wrong?