When most people hear the words 12-step program, their minds immediately jump to Alcoholics Anonymous. To be fair, that was always my assumption too. I never dreamed it would be something I would benefit from. The reality is, there are 12-step programs for codependency, and they speak to your struggles just as powerfully as they do for those battling addiction.
Back in the day, I didn’t have a word for what I was going through, but I knew I was exhausted. I was always walking on eggshells, bending my life around someone else’s needs, moods, and habits. This way of living had been ingrained in me from a very young age. I didn’t realize that what I was feeling was something others had named, experienced, and even healed from.
That moment of recognition came in the most unexpected way. During a family holiday gathering, my sister-in-law, Tanya, quietly handed me a book and said, “Mom wanted you to have this.” It was a book my mother-in-law had leaned on during her own recovery journey in a 12-step program for codependency. Looking back, I think they both recognized something in me that I hadn’t yet admitted to myself.
Later, when I arrived home and everything finally grew quiet and I sat down to read, I cried. Page after page, I saw myself in the words. It was as if someone had been watching my life and writing it down. For the first time, I felt truly seen.
That book wasn’t an instant cure-all, but it cracked open a door. It showed me that the 12 steps weren’t just for alcoholics—they were for anyone who had lost themselves in someone else. They offered a path to reclaiming my own identity, to setting boundaries, and to learning that I am responsible for myself, not everyone else.
It wasn’t until years later, in therapy, that someone actually said the word codependent to me. Finally! That gave me a starting point. I began researching, reading, and realizing that codependency can be just as consuming as any other compulsion. It’s how we become so entangled in someone else’s chaos that our moods rise and fall with theirs. We fix, rescue, and sacrifice until there’s nothing left of us. On the surface, it may look like we’re just being “helpful” or “selfless,” but underneath, it’s an unhealthy pattern.
Recovery for me took time—years, really. After I first read that book, I didn’t just snap out of it. Learning to handle my codependency in healthy ways meant therapy, self-reflection, and practice. I had to learn the word no—and mean it. Do you know how hard it is for a codependent to say no without giving a long explanation? I had to start noticing when I was about to jump in and fix something for someone else and practice stepping back instead.
Although I never attended a 12-step meeting, I researched the program, and I read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie more times than I can count. It was a relief to know I wasn’t alone.
Truthfully, recovery is hard. I don’t have all my boundaries figured out, and people-pleasing didn’t disappear overnight. Like I said earlier, I’ve had to become more self-aware and catch myself in the moment. It’s about progress, not perfection. Sometimes I catch myself after the fact and have to forgive myself for slipping back into old habits. Other times I catch myself just in time, and it feels like a tiny victory.
Over time, those little victories began to add up. Slowly, I noticed a shift: less exhaustion, more clarity. Less resentment, more self-respect. It’s still a work in progress, but that seed planted years ago has grown into something steady and real.
I often end my posts by saying “you’re not alone,” but I mean it. If you’ve ever felt trapped in unhealthy patterns of caretaking, rescuing, or living your life around another person’s struggles, there are spaces where people gather to talk about codependency, to work through the steps, and to rediscover who they are outside of someone else’s shadow. And if you’re not able to make it to meetings, start with research. It’s humbling, it’s hard, but it’s also healing.
I share this because I wish someone had told me sooner: 12-step recovery isn’t just for alcoholics. It can be for you, too.
The Other Side of Nice 