“I will never treat my children like that!”
I used to mutter those words to my parents often, especially in my teen years. It was my small rebellion, my private promise to myself that I would do better—even if I didn’t know yet what “better” looked like.
For a long time, I believed healing had a deadline. I thought if I didn’t “fix” myself before becoming a parent, then I was doomed to repeat everything I swore I wouldn’t. I thought generational trauma was passed down like a family recipe—once it was baked in, there was no undoing it.
Fortunately for me, (and for you) healing doesn’t come with an expiration date.
It doesn’t stop when you become a parent. If anything, that’s when it really begins. Parenting has a way of holding up a mirror—every wound, insecurity and unhealthy pattern comes to the surface. And while that can feel overwhelming, it also means there’s an opportunity to choose differently.
My biggest lesson with my children was choosing to sit with their big feelings instead of shutting them down. I won’t pretend that I did this perfectly, there were moments I would catch myself slipping into the very patterns I swore I would never repeat. A sharp tone, my impatience, words that sometimes sounded too familiar. It was in those moments that I would feel the sting of shame come over me. Without a doubt, one thing I’ve never been ashamed of is admitting when I was wrong and saying, “I’m sorry.” That simple repair—something I never experienced as a child—shows them that adults don’t have to be perfect to be safe. That’s what growth looks like and that’s one of the best lessons you can pass on. I’ve always wanted them to know that vulnerability isn’t weakness, love isn’t control, shame isn’t discipline, and now that I’ve learned how to process them; boundaries aren’t rejection.
I wasn’t handed the tools for emotional safety. I had to go looking for them—sometimes with shaky hands and a tired heart. What keeps me going is knowing that my children won’t have to go searching the same way. They all have a foundation built from the very bricks I once tripped over. They’re confidence and willingness to speak up for themselves and honor what they know is right or wrong is admirable.
Honestly, watching my kids have kids has taught me even more; being a grandparent, I know that my role is different now. I don’t have an opinion on how they are raising their children, I am here for support, and I respect their values and lessons they are teaching their children.
For me, it wasn’t about being a perfect parent it was always about being as present as I could be. Being accountable and willing to change the script.
It’s not too late, even if your children are grown. Listen to them, let them tell you what hurt them. Breaking generational curses doesn’t mean you erase the past. It means we can change the future. They’ll know that love can be safe, steady, and unconditional.
The Other Side of Nice 