Photo Credit: Jordyn Day
Resentment is one of those quiet weights we carry without realizing it. We don’t always realize how intricately it has woven itself into our thoughts, actions, and relationships until the moment we try to embark on releasing it.
Resentment is not what I ever would have imagined; for me, it wasn’t loud dramatic fights. It was more like an ache that had become so familiar, I forgot it wasn’t supposed to be there.
Resentment can be tricky like that because it disguises itself as righteousness; the belief that I’m owed something, that someone should have known better, that I was right, and they were wrong. Even when I have been right, holding onto that truth started to cost me more than the initial hurt ever did.
I used to exhaust myself trying to get people to see what I saw, to do what was right and act with kindness. I wanted them to show up the way I needed. I thought if I explained myself better maybe they would just see things from my perspective, and they would want to treat me better. Naively, I thought that if I was more patient and forgiving it would eventually pay off, because they’d change. RIGHT? WRONG!
It took me a long time into therapy to realize that no amount of love, logic, or loyalty can make someone show up differently if they don’t want to. I know my therapist must have wanted to bang her head off the wall every time I would hop on my self pity train complaining about some of the situations I was in. Time after time she would remind me that no matter how hard I tried, I can’t make people show up for me in ways that they are not capable.
I wrote it down every single time she said it until something clicked.
I always thought that if I let go of resentment, it meant I was okay with what happened. That I was saying someone’s actions were acceptable. It’s been a long road to get here but I’ve learned that’s not what forgiveness or healing means. Letting go doesn’t erase the pain; it just stops me from carrying it every day.
Resentment chains us to the past and keeps replaying old stories, fueling bitterness in conversations that had nothing to do with the original wound. It makes us guarded and tired. When I finally decided that I was done explaining, waiting for apologies, and hoping for changed behavior that may never come, it was a heavy burden lifted.
Unfortunately, letting go of resentment is not a one-time thing, it’s a process. Some days, I still pick it back up without realizing; only now I notice the weight of it and that I have a choice. I don’t need to carry what doesn’t serve me anymore.
I’ve learned that someone else’s behavior is not a reflection of my worth. I had to accept that people are who they choose to be; not who I hoped they’d become. I don’t need to rewrite their actions into something softer or more acceptable.
And once I did, I felt grief. Real grief. Because letting go of that illusion meant letting go of the version of the relationship I had been clinging to. But what came next was peace. Not overnight or all at once, but slowly as I turned that energy inward, I learned to hold space for myself instead of others’ discomfort. I stopped reacting and started choosing me.
I can’t control other people’s actions, but I can choose my boundaries, and I can choose what I accept. Like I said, resentment is a hard one. It’s not something you just put down once and never feel again. Life has a way of throwing reminders in your path; a comment, a familiar situation, a tone of voice and suddenly old aches rise back up.
The difference now is that I recognize it. I can name it for what it is instead of letting it silently shape my mood or my actions.
Resentment may still knock on the door from time to time, but I don’t have to let it move back in.
Have you found ways to cope with resentment or have you let go of it all together? Keep going—there’s so much more life waiting on the other side of that ache.
The Other Side of Nice 