There’s this perception that a kind person is one who always says yes.
Or at least that was my perception for a long time.
I thought that if I said no to extra work, invitations, favors, or anything that made me uncomfortable, I’d be viewed as difficult; maybe even bitchy, and for someone like me — someone who spent years being the peacekeeper, the fixer, the helper — that was the last thing I wanted to be.
If you’ve been following along with this blog, you already know I gave and gave, even when I was tired & hurting and even when it was costing me pieces of myself. I thought that was love. I thought that was kindness. Looking back, I see how often I confused kindness with compliance and how easily self-sacrifice masqueraded as love.
The problem with all of this is after a while, it drains you. You wear yourself out trying to be the kind of “nice” that keeps everyone else comfortable. Whose peace is it keeping though? Not yours!
Kindness and boundaries can — and should — coexist.
Being kind doesn’t mean staying silent when someone crosses a line and it certainly doesn’t mean tolerating mistreatment just to keep the peace. Don’t abandon yourself to prove you’re a good person.
Kindness that comes at the cost of your self-worth isn’t kindness. That’s called conditioning and a lot of us; especially those raised to be the “good girl,” caretaker, and the reliable one, were taught that being kind meant being available, agreeable, and selfless – always.
That’s not kindness; that’s burnout and resentment waiting to happen.
I promise you, listen to your inner voice and speak your truth, remember instead of automatically answering yes to all requests, you can also say “I care about you, but I also care about me.” A firm NO is sometimes needed.
It’s not easy, I know that, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing, or if certain people in your life benefit from you having no boundaries.
Over the years I have noticed that the word “selfish” has been weaponized against women for decades. If we say no to something, we feel guilty. If we rest, we feel lazy. When we prioritize our needs…selfish (or so we’ve been led to believe). Selflessness is noble, right? No! We absorb it over time because we watch others who seem to never stop giving, even if it’s breaking them. We think that love always has to look like sacrifice.
Choosing self-respect doesn’t make you mean, it makes you healthy and quite honestly, it makes your kindness real. We’ve all heard “you can’t pour from an empty cup” and when your cup is full your kindness becomes a conscious choice, not compulsive.
So no, being kind doesn’t mean being a doormat. It means learning to hold your ground with grace. To speak up with love and to honor others and yourself at the same time.
I’m preserving a woman who has spent too many years disappearing to be everything for everyone else and that is a beautiful, brave thing to become.
The Other Side of Nice 