I’ve done a lot of reflecting over the years, and never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d ever admit that what I once believed was simply being “helpful” was truly, a form of control especially when it came to being a parent. My support wasn’t always as selfless as I told myself it was, it came at the hands of my codependency. There was a desire to feel needed, and a deep discomfort with letting others struggle; even when that struggle was theirs to navigate.
I always meant well, but meaning well doesn’t exempt us from doing harm.
Learning this has been humbling. Letting go of control even in the name of love has been one of the hardest and most important parts of my growth. My intentions might have felt justified at the time, but I recognize now that my actions sometimes crossed lines, I didn’t fully understand then that it wasn’t just support; it was taking over, steering the ship, or not allowing space for others to have their own say and their own agency.
I’m not proud of it, but I want to own it.
Let’s remember I’m a people pleaser first and foremost; so it’s not as though I’ve been out here taking control of every situation I encountered. The incessant need to make my kids life happy and comfortable quickly became controlling, especially with my son into the young adult stage. What I mistook as guidance eventually became a need to offer advice before it was asked for, jump in to fix a situation before anyone could even process what had gone wrong, make calls, do the research, clean up the mess — not because I was asked to, but because I cared.
Wasn’t that my role as a MOM!?
I wasn’t harsh or aggressive; my “helping” was more subtle; wrapped in good intentions, backed by worry, and tangled up in fear. Sound familiar? I think most of us moms operate on that platform. Fear that if we don’t do it, it wouldn’t get done right or fear that if we don’t step in, someone we love would suffer. That dreaded fear of letting go might mean losing connection, or worse, becoming irrelevant.
None of that is true, but here’s what is; helping becomes controlling when it no longer respects someone else’s ability to make choices — or even mistakes.
It’s a hard truth to sit with, especially as a parent. We want to guide, protect, and support. But sometimes our need to protect ends up smothering growth.
I must credit my therapist yet again because she once told me to write down some tough questions any time I was faced with a difficult situation with my parenting or any relationship for that matter.
- Am I helping because they asked me to?
- Am I truly listening, or am I pushing my own agenda?
- Am I creating dependence or encouraging confidence?
There’s a fine line between love and fear. While love gives space, fear tries to control the outcome.
I can’t say this enough, I am learning (and re-learning) daily that it’s not my job to fix everything.
Therapy has taught me “It’s not your role to manage someone else’s path.” Loving someone, means letting others live their lives, even when that looks different from how I might do it.
Letting go isn’t the same as not caring. In fact, it might be the most loving thing we can do.
Are you learning to let go of control? Let’s chat about it in the comments!
The Other Side of Nice 