The Other Side of Nice

No one really prepares you for parenting adult children. You think once they’re out of the house, things will settle and that your job is pretty much “done.” If anything, the lessons get deeper — and boundaries become even more important.

When my kids were young, boundaries were something I thought I was good at teaching—until I realized I didn’t have many for myself. I often let people walk all over me which made me stop and ask, what was I really teaching my kids? How can I tell them to use their voice, stand up for themselves and to set boundaries when I wasn’t doing any of that for myself? I was leading by example, just not the kind I meant to set.  I thought I was being kind, patient and selfless.  But what I was really showing them was that it’s ok to shrink, to keep the peace at any cost and to put everyone else first.  That’s not the legacy I wanted to leave.  I eventually learned that kids hear what we say, but they really learn from what we do.  So, if you expect them to have healthy boundaries, you have to show them what that looks like in your own life too.    

I won’t say I completely abandoned boundaries as a parent. I respected their need for alone time, and if for example; they didn’t want to hug a relative or engage in certain social expectations, I never forced them. But I still fell into the trap of trying to soften it all with politeness—encouraging them to be kind so they wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

Big mistake. Because one of the most important truths about boundaries is this: We are not responsible for how others react to them.

Now, watching my kids as young adults, I see just how much they’ve learned—and how much I’m learning from them. They’re strong, self-aware, and unafraid to advocate for themselves. I used to think I was guiding them, but the reality is, they’re guiding me too.

For years, my instinct was to fix, help, drop everything — because I’m the mom – I took on emotions, problems and sometimes moments that they can’t get back. I wanted their happiness to shine through so badly that I’d stop at nothing to help them achieve that.  Grown children come with grown-up problems, and I’ve learned the hard way that jumping in isn’t always helping, sometimes it’s enabling and sometimes it’s avoiding my own discomfort. I’m learning that “being there” doesn’t always mean doing everything.

At times, setting boundaries felt like pushing them away but I’ve learned the opposite to be true. When I stop over-functioning, I stop resenting. When I let go of control, I allowed room for respect. Boundaries create space for healthy adult-to-adult connection — and that’s what I want most of all.

I can love them without always agreeing with them

Oh boy, my son and I could co-author this section! We clash on a lot—beliefs, opinions, even approaches to life—and that’s okay. Our adult kids grow into their own people, with their own views, choices, and lifestyles. They don’t have to mirror ours.

And truthfully, as he’s matured and stepped into parenthood himself, he’s started to see that maybe I wasn’t always wrong. 😉

What I’m learning is this: Love doesn’t require agreement and in the same regard, respect doesn’t mean silence. It’s okay to set boundaries, even in close relationships.

That doesn’t mean I love him any less. In fact, it means I love both of us enough to protect the connection—even if we don’t always see eye to eye.

Their emotions are not my responsibility

Can we yell this one from the rooftops?

This one stings a little—probably because it was the biggest lessons I had to learn.  I spent decades trying to keep everyone emotionally okay.

Our household was complex, as many blended families can understand. It was hard—but not impossible. And no, I didn’t always get it right. But looking back now, I realize something I wish I had understood sooner: I can’t carry their reactions, their moods, or their choices.

I used to lose sleep when there was conflict. I just wanted harmony while everyone was under one roof. If that’s where you are right now, here’s a little encouragement: It does get better.

As they mature, the core memories they created together—yes, even the chaotic ones—start to mean more than the drama. It becomes more about the bond, and less about that time your son cut the hair off your stepdaughter’s favorite Barbie. (Yep. That happened. And yes, we laugh about it now.)

These days, as I sit back and observe my kids and their day to day struggles or accomplishments, I’ve learned that I can be compassionate without absorbing and I can care deeply without collapsing.

That’s a boundary I so wish I had learned earlier.

I once believed that being a good mom meant being selfless—available 24/7. If I ever let my phone out of arm’s reach, I’d panic, convinced someone would miss out on my help. In recent years, my phone was practically attached to me at all times—even in the bathroom—in case one of my kids or my own parents needed to reach me.

Eventually, I realized I was stretching myself so thin that my constant availability became more controlling than caring (We’ll touch on this in a future post!). I learned that it’s okay to unplug. Now, I can go for a walk, pop in my downloaded Spotify playlists, and simply switch off my cell service for a while—knowing full well that the world won’t collapse in my absence.

I’m also learning to set boundaries with phrases like “I have plans” or just “Not today.” And guess what? The world doesn’t fall apart when I finally put myself on the list.

My kids are still teaching me — not just about patience or letting go but about honoring myself. Parenting adults is a whole new chapter. As my role shifts, and the lessons just keep coming, our connection is better than ever.  Boundaries aren’t a sign I’ve failed. They’re a sign I’m growing, too.